Everyone knows that two thousand years ago, the son of God died, paving the way for mankind's entrance into the kingdom of Heaven. But what about the animal kingdom? Who'll save them? Well, it just so happens that some time later God sent to Earth his only begotten pet, to live and die for the sins of all animalkind — from the most gargantuan sperm whale to the tiniest paramecium. His name was Jeshua Cottontail — the Easter Rabbit. Some say he was born from the pastel-coloured egg of a virgin hen, while others suggest he was found in a basket full of cellophane grass. As an adult, Jeshua performed many miracles, including raising the dead; curing the blind and the colourblind; and he even healed a leopard. However, even though he only came to save animalkind, the head rabbits at the forest temple branded him a heretic. At the final meal before Jeshua's death, he sat with his twelve apostles and offered them a feast of delicious chocolate, which he said represented his body and should be consumed by his followers in remembrance of him. Later that night, one of Jeshua's disciples, Barkus Fleascarriot, betrayed him to the religious authorities for thirty pieces of kibble. Jeshua was taken before Hippopotamus Pilate, who let him be sentenced to death. Jeshua was handed over to some of the men from the city. Those men tortured Jeshua, and crucified him in the window of a butcher shop in Chinatown. He was sold to a Ukranian family and eaten... but three days later, he rose again. Jeshua bestowed candy and chocolates upon his friends and family, and then made one final decree before returning to his golden rabbit hutch in the sky. He declared that in retribution for the betrayal of his disciple Barkus, that noone in his lineage shall ever partake of these gifts — and that if any dog shall ever try chocolate, he shall die on the spot. And with that, he was gone! But they needn't wait long. They'll see him soon enough in Animal Heaven... just as long as they've accepted Jeshua Cottontail, the animal Christ, into their hearts. Are your pets saved? Find out today. They may end up thanking you... in eternity.
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This quote was added June 24, 2011.